Jokes

Alligator Shoes:

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the no haggle attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price! The shopkeeper said, By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either"!

Blonde Kiddnapper

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde". The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

HMO and You

Q. What does HMO stand for? A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same. Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification? A. No. Only those you need. Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want? A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away! Q. What are pre-existing conditions? A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it. Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions? A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment. Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine? A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment. Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do? A. Poke yourself in the eye. Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do? A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries. Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling? A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus. Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick? A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick. Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office? A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it. Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs? A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses. Q. Will health care be any different in the next century? A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

How to Annoy Others

1.Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper. 2.Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 3.If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. 4.Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. 5.Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions,"to keep them tuned up." 6.Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think." 7.Practice making fax and modem noises. 8.Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss. 9.Make beeping noises when you back up. 10.Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy." 11.Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. 12.Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. 13.Holler random numbers while someone is counting. 14.Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others you "like it that way." 15.Staple papers in the middle of the page. 16.Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. 17.Honk and wave to strangers. 18.Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat the complimentary mints by the cash register. 19.TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE. 20.type only in lowercase. 21.Don t use any punctuation either 22.Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. 23.Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:"Do you hear that?". "What?". "Never mind, it's gone now." 24.As much as possible, skip rather than walk. 25.Try playing the 'William Tell Overture' by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "No, wait, I messed it up,"and repeat. 26.Ask people what gender they are. 27.While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. 28.Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 29.Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. 30.Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook and mutter something about "psychological profiles."

Thermos

A blond science teacher walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks, "What is that?" The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos." The science teacher then asks, "What does it do?" The clerk says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." So she buys one. The next day, she brings it to school with her. Her boss, also a blond, asks, "What is that shiny object?" She replies "It's a thermos." He asks, "What does it do?" She says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." He then asks, "What do you have in there?" "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."

What Would We Do Without Blondes

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and they pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh no, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again for no reason." The blonde looks at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?" The brunette says, "oh sure...but I just don't feel like spending the next 3 days on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde then asks, "Don't you have a vase?"